A Journey

Mary Oliver is one of my favorite all time poets. Several of her poems move me to tears, and one of them is The Journey.

Where are you now? Are you feeling content and happy, or confused and sad? Wherever you are, you are not alone. God is with all of us, no matter what our confused brains begin to tell us... And yet, that does not guarantee any one of us, a peaceful pain free life.

It is my belief that being a follower of Christ- a "Christian" is indeed a lifelong journey. It requires us to stretch every day, to open up our minds, ears and eyes and to see and live with a heart of flesh and not a heart of stone... We are urged by Christ to love and to grown. Personally, I don't think you can fully love without growing constantly. Growth requires us to leave our comfort zone, to take a step into the thin air of faith.

Somedays I weep because I am weary of growth. Other days, I run straight into it full throttle on...

But on this day, I am grateful to know that I am not on this journey alone. Here is a copy of Mary Oliver's poem, The Journey.

The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice --

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do --

determined to save

the only life you could save.

~ Mary Oliver ~

This is the first time I've been able to sit outside on my deck and hear the birds and not be smothered in sticky sweat in months... I think it's actually in the 80's today, and it is a lovely treat to feel the sun, the gentle wind and actually hear the wind chimes sing their gentle melody. Today brought me a wonderful treat of meeting a new wise woman. She is 89 and full of life or "piss and vinegar" as granddaddy used to say.

She has seen a lot, lost a lot and continues to live a lot. She continues to choose to embrace the fullness of life- though it is at times extremely painful- the loss of a loved one, the horrible illness a close friend faces- she has been a witness to both the best of times and the worst of times and yet she is strong, optimistic and smart as a whip.

It's interesting to me how God continues to bring people into my life to help me see that you can indeed survive more heartache than you ever imagined.

I am about to be a grandmother for the 2nd time... I am full of trepidation as the relationship with the mother of my grandchildren is strained to say the least. I have absolutely no control and I hate that feeling. I am angry at myself, my lack of control, and her. I love my granddaughter dearly and deeply with an expansiveness of heart that I never dreamed of.

I want to run away and escape the heartache that relationships bring but I know that I can not nor will I choose to run. I believe that "love bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things. I believe that Love never ends. ( Corinthians 3: 7-8) I believe all of it- but somehow right now, I am not feeling the "Peace" that this truth- ought to bring to my heart and soul.

Van Morrison's poetry sustains me right now: There's a love that's divine, and it's yours and it's mine and it shines like the sun, and at the end of the day we will give thanks and pray to the One"

So, I give thanks for this day. That is all I know to do.

Pink Goo

"Look, Aha, it turned purple!"

"Why, Aha? Now, it's pink!" she exclaims with great wonder and joy.

My sweet, Addi is playing with some gooey, squeezy stuff- kinda like silly putty used to be- but much cooler, transparent and sparkly. It has a slight strawberry scent and has been the source of her undivided attention for an hour. We have made masks to cover our noses, eyes and big giant pink lips...

Now, the goo is one big pink pancake.

Addisyn Cain is now 3 plus and incessantly asks "why".... Do you remember when you were filled with imagination, awe and amazement? She marvels and the wind, the sunsets, the river, the tiny spiders that crawl all over her outside table. The amount of questions she has equates with the amount of joy. I have never equated the two, until right now. Joy & Questions. Curiosity & Vitality.

I wonder- is this what happens-?

People grow old, they stop asking questions, and assume they have all the answers and in the process, they begin to lose precious joy and vitality.

Are we so distracted and anxious that we no longer know or care to stop and pay attention to the moment? What would it take for you to be mesmerized by sunsets, smiles, gooey stuff, and pretend pink pancakes?

Now, she serves fresh strawberries on the pink pancake, asking, "How is it?".

Her imagination is not yet confined by her inner critic or dreams' that society labels rational or "crazy".

I take a big hug bite of the pretend strawberry pancake and I squeeze her tiny, sturdy body and exclaim "It's perfect! Thank you!"

The words of Christ echo through my mind, the kingdom of God has come near now.

Amen. Thank you God. God of wonder and God of joy.

Angel Mama

It has been a week since I sat on the cool carpet and held my dear friend's feet. I watched her breaths- they became slower and slower and each one more shallow - as she struggled to inhale the air that gives all of us life.

My hot tears fell onto her feet as she took her last breath. She is now at peace. Now there is a hole in this world. The goodness and love she radiated was massive though she was a petite woman. Her heart was huge and her spirit simply pure; she was filled with God's peace, joy, faith, goodness and gentleness. She was an angel to me. She'd sign her emails to me "Angel Mama".

For the first time in my life, I received unconditional love and support from a woman who struggled every single day to simply breathe. I watched her body turn on her and yet she never uttered one single word of complaint. She smiled and encouraged and worried about everyone else around her to the very end of her life. Two days before she died, I kissed her forehead gently as I came in from church. She'd been asleep. She reached for the signature yellow note pads she kept my her side- her only way to communicate- barely even able to open her eyes- she scribbled with the finger that would still work-

How was Church today? How is Addy?

I miss her so much my heart aches and I can't stop the tears from falling. I know that there are angels on this earth because of Reese's presence in my life and I am forever grateful to God for that...

Shipwrecked

This week has been an extremely difficult one for me. The week began for me, after worship, spending the night with a dear friend who has ALS. She is the most loving, faithful and kind person I know. In the past three years since I have know her, I have watched her deteriorate from this disease. She can not eat, she has had a stomach tube yet has continued to cook for other people until recently. She can not swallow and has a suction machine that she is indeed dependent on for each breath Now she is unable to barely walk as her muscles are quickly deteriorating as well and her neck hangs limply- causing her to not be able to see forward or keep her balance, so she falls.
She has never complained, and has always been the one to encourage all those around her, her family, her friends, me...
As I lay there in the bedroom close to her's on Sunday pm, I heard her in their gasping for air. I prayed that God would fill her with the sprit of life and bring her through the night and she would wake up at least a little bit rested. I pondered life, love, the fragility of our lives'.
The next day I received word that a long time founder of our church and dedicated woman had finally succombed to death. So, I drove from one friend's house to the nursing home to check on the husband.
They have been married for almost 70 years. After listening to him share with me the incredible gift of their love and their marriage, I asked him how he felt.
"Shipwrecked" he said to me with watery eyes and a wobbling voice.
Yet somehow, he is able to focus on the good, the beautiful life they have shared, the fun memories, the love and the legacy they created together and to which he attributes all to GOD.
Shipwrecked. He is lost now. In a new space, a new place that he didn't expect nor does he know how to navigate through. Yet, he is not without hope. His faith in a loving God strengthens him even now, in the midst of his excruciating grief and pain. Carrie Newcomber has a new CD out - Before and After, and on one of her songs - there are lyrics-
"It will take a change of heart for this to mend.
It will take a change of heart for this to mend.
But miracles do happen every shining now and then
If not now, tell me when?"
Dear God- you are a God of love and healing.... Heal all those who hurt and are lost and lonely now... Help us all remember the miracles that shine now and then....
Peace.
holly