Just Love

 Today, I was sitting in the unnaturally warm December sunlight on a concrete piling with my eyes closed soaking in the sound of the river gently lapping below me next to the Big Dam Bridge.  I sometimes forget to breathe when I’m a bit stressed and was simply breathing in the quiet and the warmth- praying silently for some much needed guidance and peace for all those I love- blood family, friend family and for myself.

I love my big crazy family. We’re too noisy, too opinionated, yes dysfunctional at times----mostly we add color, love, and beauty to the world and I am incredibly grateful to be part of this “family” though I wish I was geographically closer (to some of them).

This time of year makes me think of the desire I’ve always had to be “normal”.   A normal holiday.  A normal relationship.  A normal tradition.  A normal job.

All of these normals have managed to escape me all my life.

Recently, I’ve learned to embrace the uniqueness of my family and maybe finally getting more comfortable with me--- and my own “unique” way of being in the world. I still struggle though.  And today was a day I was seeking some of God’s promises by simply being still by the water.

I think back on the choices I have made or didn’t make and the consequences of those choices.  I think of the choices I have each day- today- to either look around me with eyes of gratitude or eyes that see lack.
Today, it was clear that I needed to focus on gratitude; after all, what we focus on grows. Energy flows where attention goes—according to some wise soul.

The sun, the river, the sky, the wind. The sun, the river, sky, the wind.

It became a mantra. Then, a prayer. Then a litany of thanksgiving. 

 That I am strong enough to be outside in the sun running- or sitting and trying to be still.

 That the gentle wind is a quiet reminder of God’s presence and very breath of my being.

 That I had the world’s sweetest golden doodle at my side as my running companion.

 That I was able to encourage young excited, expectant six year olds to read today.

That I shared a simple adventure with  two little girls- my sweet precious granddaughters, a bike- run- whatever it was- yesterday that spilled over with laughter and awesome innocence.

That a beautiful new chic suit arrived in the mail today – a gift from my step-mother!

I didn’t get the burning bush. Nope. Never seem to get that and actually that’s all right with me, as I don’t care for fires much anyway anymore after almost dying in one.

What I did “get” was this--- this is the time of year when one thing matters the most. Love.  A wise, loving soul recently said to me- “Love came down” at Christmas many years ago, and still continues to do so right now- this Christmas time.

I have to admit- I could feel some strange stares- sitting so still with my eyes closed but I knew I needed to JUST BE STILL.

It’s silly that being still is a major feat in my world but honestly, it is.  My prayers for guidance, clarity will continue to go up for all those I love—and I love a bunch of people!!!

And then, I opened my eyes to the flickering sunlight and felt this strange, gentleness in the silence. An almost muted echo "just love".

No, I wasn’t hearing voices—no need for zyprexa for me. I think I was simply focusing on what really was true and present.

A strange thing happened next.

Two women whom I barely know were walking by right when I was getting back up. I am almost ALWAYS alone when I exercise.

A conversation began between us and so I joined them in their walk.  It was just a walk. Just interaction with other women struggling with some of the same issues that plague me- but it was more than that. It was a divine reminder for me –that I am not alone.  Love does come down, always….

Spectacular sunrises and surprised by Dog

This morning it looked like a big huge wide paintbrush had been dipped in pinks, and purples and dragged across the sky.  The air was crisp and cold- so cold when you breathe you see your breath.  I laughed at Milly as I saw this incongruent light fluffy cold air coming from this big fuzzy smiley dog. It was an amazing way to start the day. We walked, jogged and hiked for nine miles in the crisp air.  She stayed close to my side for the first hour- trudging in the muddy wet lowlands. The knocking sound of the busy woodpecker made her jump at first. The birds began their serenade and I basked in the solitude and beauty. 

 Then as we began to get a bit higher she shot out front of me like a bullet and then darted right back knocking into me and landing both of us on our butts in the mud.  I laughed until I cried. I thought how thankful I was to have the good health to be outside hiking on such a glorious day.  I thanked God for this silly crazy dog that loves me.
She doesn’t mind well (yet) but she smiles so wide it doesn’t even matter. She eats pillows, furniture, butter, light bulbs, honey and jewelry (YEP) and trots through the house by my side. She knows when I’m sad- and tries to stop the tears- That reminds me of a line in Psalm 56 where it says God bottles up our tears.  I thought about how Dog spelled backward is God. Maybe we learn a lot about the love of God through our dogs. They are always there when we need them. They love us even when we are stinky, bad or sad. They look at us with eyes of love and respond with Joy when we pay attention. They don’t’ lie to us. They don’t betray us. They simply love us deeply. There’s a reason why that ole saying- Dogs are a  (hu) man’s best friend. 

The death and resurrection of "Magic"

She came running into the kitchen, her red hair waving wildly, bright red cheeks dripping with heavy fast falling tears.
"Baby, what's wrong?" I asked as I  knelt down to pick her up.
She couldn't talk she was crying so hard. You know when you cry so hard you can barely even breathe.
"Milly ate Magic. She ruined her. She ripped her open". She slowly divulged the gory details.
Milly is our golden doodle puppy who is not really puppy size but in all other ways- definitely a puppy.
Apparently she'd nosed her way into the girls' bedroom and picked out just the right stuffed pink unicorn. Well- right for Milly - wrong, very wrong for Addi.
There was no consoling Addisyn with another toy though we have many. Someone special to her had given her Magic- and she wanted that Magic back.  Her sister, Stella joined in the crying game because then Milly had eaten Stella's banana. That was a little bit easier to fix.

We got on the trusty Internet- all 3 of us desperately looking for a replacement for Magic- the pink unicorn. Thank God and Ty toys- we found it and ordered it and hopefully it will be here soon- very soon.
I started to think about it though. Why do certain things mean so much to us when others are meaningless? Even Addi- who is a precocious 5 year old- sensed that the love associated with that gift- meant more to her than any other present she received at her birthday party- and she got a lot of loot!
What are you attached to? Or are you afraid to even be attached to something as simple as a stuffed animal? Has your heart become so hardened that nothing really brings you that comfort and joy of knowing you are loved? It's easy to happen in this world we live in. We are so busy. We are so important. We are so.... starving for love. We stuff that hunger down or we subvert it- but if we are vulnerable like a child- we would cry out just like Addisyn did for that symbolic something that makes us feel loved and safe in this big world that can be scary and lonely.
The banana was replaced, spongebob distracted all of us from the loss of the moment. Milly sat by all of us- the thumping of her tail like a clock keeping time- smiling- oblivious to the near disaster she had caused.
I gathered my sweet granddaughters close and squeezed them tightly. I am reminded every single day how precious life is- how important love is- and how scared we all are to express it.
God promises us abundant life- now- in spite of and though loss, grief, trauma. It is here if we embrace it.