Trick or Treat

So many things come dressed up in beautiful packages- pink, yellow tissue paper surround a pot holder. Your heart kind of sinks when you see it. Halloween is a time when you can dress up as anything you can dream. OK- some folks go to far. But my experience of Halloween 2012 was a different one from all the other ones I've had, and yes I've had a bunch.
I spent the afternoon and evening with my granddaughter's.  "No, Aha- no poodle" my 2 year old Stella says to me as she pulls at her pink fuzzy Fifi hat that completes her pink furry poodle outfit. Her lower lip trembled as she pushed it off as we engaged in a tug of war- on and off. Meanwhile, Minnie Mouse- my five year old Granddaughter aka Addi was urging me "come on Aha, come on! I'm ready to start!"
Stella was recalcitrant. She could not imagine what had gotten into me- forcing her to dress in a silly probably uncomfortable suit and being carried, ( she would not walk) around from house to house. But as she watched her sister and lisped Twick or Tweet she got it! Down, Aha, pease. Down she goes... and off she runs to the next neighbors house. "Stella slow down" I yell and start to run myself. Before I know it, not only is her sister a professional trick or treater but so is this very young child.
I was delighted to participate in the evening. No, I didn't dress up- I went as myself- I happy but exhausted grandmother. As the sun began to go down, and legs began to tire, I decided we needed to go to a local church where we could make more progress in a smaller space. There is something to be said for strategic thinking when it comes to trick or treating with two very young girls.
We entered an alternate universe- star war characters, monsters, vandals, pirates, princesses, cowboys, fairies all filled the local church parking lot- along with the noise and smells that go with 100 plus children. Some were aggressive- not pausing to let smaller children stay in line- kids learn early to be tough when it comes to getting what they want.
Thankfully, my two were into the magic and mystery of the night. The poodle- got sleepy- and her enthusiasm soon began to ebb. But the oldest- was on fire. She was happy, no joyful! To get to simply wander around on a school night and go around saying Happy Halloween and then to be rewarded by those 2 words with gooey chocolate, yummy lollipops, yucky candy corn and a wide assortment of candy was like a dream for her. Suddenly, I was eight years old again, roaming the neighborhood of my home in an Atlantan suburb. The scent of mischief, the taste of sweetness, and the sight of witches, ghosts, scary masks- came rushing back to me. It was a night like no other. A night where nothing was expected of you but to have fun. And to be safe, of course. A night where you could even play a trick and not get in to much trouble. Tricks then were simple. Ring and Run.
As the night ended and the girls faded, my sense of joy had increased. I was thankful. Thankful for the beautiful girls that I have been blessed to be a grandmother to- thankful that I could still take simple pleasure at their joy, thankful that people still wanted to make little ones happy by offering treats.
It's a strange holiday, isn't it? But a helpful one for me this year.  One that made me count my blessings- that there is one night in the year dedicated to just having fun. To being joyful. To getting to dress up, laugh, and receive sweet treats in return.
My years has not been a fun one. In fact, it has been full of more tricks that treats. But as I look back over the past 12 months, I can see that there indeed have been amazing treats among the tricks.

Yes, I was conned by a conman contractor who stole my money. Yes, my house burned down. Yes, I was depressed. Yes, I struggled with the trauma of the ongoing problems.  But now I see, that God was indeed still there providing. We are told to find Joy in all things. I must confess I could not and did not at the moment during this past year. But I see the hand of God now has been upon me- regardless of the despair, tragedy, financial loss--- People I never expected gathered around me- to help me in the horrible painful task of tearing down my house and then after the contractor ran away, more people stumbled into my life- to help me rebuild not only my house but my hope. My faith has been tested this past year- not my belief in God- just my faith- I have not had the eyes to see that it would eventually work out- nor the energy to believe this incomprehensible mysterious truth. But it has, it did and it will.
Who would have thought that it took Halloween- a poodle and Minnie Mouse to help me recover my joy and renew my faith?
Thanks Be To God!

Endings and Beginnings

I climbed up a ladder yesterday to the top of my old house's roof. This was not a smart idea but I thought it might help me "process" the ending of this horrific trauma and move on. It did and it didn't. I learned the fire was far more extensive- as you can see from my rooftop photograph. LOL. I could smell that smell all over again- due to the high humidity and rain we've been having lately. It brought chill bumps to me. But, something else happened at the very same time. I could see God's hand at work. I can see God is creating a new beginning in my life. I have no idea what that holds- it is still very much unrevealed and unknown... but I can feel the presence of God with me. I look down and see the bright pink azaleas that survived- they are in full, glorious bloom-teaming with breathtaking beauty and new life... Though my house is stripped bare, the roof to be removed totally today- a new roof will be placed, I pray, and new walls, floors, etc will be built eventually.

Meanwhile, Spring is here. A wonderful reminder of the seasons of our life. A reminder that every single season, no matter how hard and dark, serves some purpose. Not that I confess to know what that purpose is- but I trust God knows.

This is the season of Lent. It has a new meaning for me this year- this time of meditation and reflection on Christ and his life- the ending and the beginnings. I am walking through each day with a heart that is both heavy and thankful, empty yet full, sad yet hopeful.

I remember that Christ continued to live his life- follow his calling- to the very bitter end- and then after. What an inspiration for little ole me to do the same thing. To know that I can carry my cross and follow the One who Makes all things new...

Peace and Grace,

Holly

Hard Stuff

I still cry everyday. I don't know if it's depression, grief, or just processing a whole lot of stuff.

I wish I didn't. I know people wonder what's going on, what's wrong with her??? I can't help it though. I am learning a lot since my house burned on December 3 and my life literally was turned upside down.

I am learning how hard it is for me to show my real need.

I am learning how difficult it is for me to ask for help.

I am learning that it is even harder for me to receive help.

I am learning that Guilt and I are still quite intimate. I feel guilty that I can't function like I always have... Gulity that I can't manage everything and everyone else's needs... I don't like what I am learning but I am trusting that this is a process of yet another phase of growth for me.

Growth hurts, painfully so, at times. But I am also learning that I have real, loving, kind people in my life who want to help me. I am learning that it is okay to show my weaknesses and it is even acceptable when I can't do it all. I am learning the most important thing of all. That I have to let go and let other people in and help me. I trust God but now I am learning to trust that GOd sends people to embody him.... to help carry the burden and to encourage all of us... Only if we will let go and let God do it...

A Fiery Night

Just the thought about writing about "The Fire" makes my stomach flip and my heart race. Tears fill my eyes though now from disorientation, depression and gratitude-yes all three emotions- all at once. Thankfully though, not from smoke.

30 Days ago my life went up in smoke literally. My house caught on fire and my sons and friends and neighbors watched it as the flames hungrily ate through the deck, the electrical, walls, eaves, and then into my bedroom to devour everything in sight. The charred remains still sit upstairs in an empty house that has been home to me, my sons, my granddaughters, and many friends since 1995. That house has been much more than a house- it has been the keeper of memories, laughter, tears, growth, disappointments, secrets, achievements, joys, first steps, and memories of my lifetime.

In it were material goods that had come to matter very much- comfortable, pretty furniture, art, clothes, children's art projects, journals, soft sweaters, hand knit blankets-many "things" that can never be replaced. Most of all in it, I have learned recently, was the sense of sacred space.

Finally, a space where I felt safe had been created and it was beautiful and good.

I am relearning what sacred space is now. I am trying every day with each new morning to be thankful for all that I do have, not what I have lost. To focus on the gift of life, and the opportunity of newness. But It is not easy. And when people say, "It's just stuff"- I want to slap them- yes, I do, and say- hey- you try wearing other people's stuff- underwear, shoes, and see how it feels. Try telling your 4 year old granddaughter that her favorite dresses and toys that were "hers" that it was just stuff....Obtuse? Oblivous? or just callous?

I trust that God is working, teaching me many lessons right now. One obviously is detachment from things, but the other is that comfort comes in many ways. Sacred space- and a sense of home for me- now is much more mobile. It does not reside anymore at 1319 Pine Valley. I can taste a glimpse of it when with a friend having coffee sitting in silence, or walking on the Ouachita trail, or skating by the big dam bridge. I would not have survived the past few weeks without my church family- they have been awesome and some strangers have shown more kindness than any relatives. Isn't life strange? It is a beautiful, precious, fragile gift for which I say- thanks be to God.