Just Love

 Today, I was sitting in the unnaturally warm December sunlight on a concrete piling with my eyes closed soaking in the sound of the river gently lapping below me next to the Big Dam Bridge.  I sometimes forget to breathe when I’m a bit stressed and was simply breathing in the quiet and the warmth- praying silently for some much needed guidance and peace for all those I love- blood family, friend family and for myself.

I love my big crazy family. We’re too noisy, too opinionated, yes dysfunctional at times----mostly we add color, love, and beauty to the world and I am incredibly grateful to be part of this “family” though I wish I was geographically closer (to some of them).

This time of year makes me think of the desire I’ve always had to be “normal”.   A normal holiday.  A normal relationship.  A normal tradition.  A normal job.

All of these normals have managed to escape me all my life.

Recently, I’ve learned to embrace the uniqueness of my family and maybe finally getting more comfortable with me--- and my own “unique” way of being in the world. I still struggle though.  And today was a day I was seeking some of God’s promises by simply being still by the water.

I think back on the choices I have made or didn’t make and the consequences of those choices.  I think of the choices I have each day- today- to either look around me with eyes of gratitude or eyes that see lack.
Today, it was clear that I needed to focus on gratitude; after all, what we focus on grows. Energy flows where attention goes—according to some wise soul.

The sun, the river, the sky, the wind. The sun, the river, sky, the wind.

It became a mantra. Then, a prayer. Then a litany of thanksgiving. 

 That I am strong enough to be outside in the sun running- or sitting and trying to be still.

 That the gentle wind is a quiet reminder of God’s presence and very breath of my being.

 That I had the world’s sweetest golden doodle at my side as my running companion.

 That I was able to encourage young excited, expectant six year olds to read today.

That I shared a simple adventure with  two little girls- my sweet precious granddaughters, a bike- run- whatever it was- yesterday that spilled over with laughter and awesome innocence.

That a beautiful new chic suit arrived in the mail today – a gift from my step-mother!

I didn’t get the burning bush. Nope. Never seem to get that and actually that’s all right with me, as I don’t care for fires much anyway anymore after almost dying in one.

What I did “get” was this--- this is the time of year when one thing matters the most. Love.  A wise, loving soul recently said to me- “Love came down” at Christmas many years ago, and still continues to do so right now- this Christmas time.

I have to admit- I could feel some strange stares- sitting so still with my eyes closed but I knew I needed to JUST BE STILL.

It’s silly that being still is a major feat in my world but honestly, it is.  My prayers for guidance, clarity will continue to go up for all those I love—and I love a bunch of people!!!

And then, I opened my eyes to the flickering sunlight and felt this strange, gentleness in the silence. An almost muted echo "just love".

No, I wasn’t hearing voices—no need for zyprexa for me. I think I was simply focusing on what really was true and present.

A strange thing happened next.

Two women whom I barely know were walking by right when I was getting back up. I am almost ALWAYS alone when I exercise.

A conversation began between us and so I joined them in their walk.  It was just a walk. Just interaction with other women struggling with some of the same issues that plague me- but it was more than that. It was a divine reminder for me –that I am not alone.  Love does come down, always….